Grief

Seven Stages

There is a model, called the seven stages of grief. Based on the work of Swiss psychiatrist, Dr Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, the model was first proposed towards the end of the 1960s.

The 7 stages are:
– shock and denial
– pain and guilt
– anger and bargaining
– depression
– upward turn
– reconstruction and working through
– acceptance and hope

People don’t follow the seven stages in order. Nor do they ‘complete’ a stage before moving to the next stage. They may revisit stages as time passes. Grief is an individual process which affects us all differently. This can make it difficult for those who try to support us through our grief. Although the ones who truly love and care about us will find a way to navigate the passage together. Nevertheless, in 2016, three quarters of bereaved people in the UK reported that they didn’t receive the support they needed. Grief was seen as something to ‘recover’ from or ‘get over’.

I met a celebrant last week, who reminded me that nobody knows what anyone else is going through when they experience grief. It’s common for people to say they understand how we’re feeling, or that they’ve been there too. But they don’t really understand, and they haven’t been there too. We’re all unique.

Mourning

In our culture, it seems common for people to step away from death and grief. Perhaps unsure how to support others, or assuming that they’d rather be left to grieve alone. It’s a very individual process. Other cultures behave differently. For example, in Egypt, if someone continues to grieve after seven years, this is considered a healthy and normal part of the process. Whereas in the UK, anything over 12 months is thought of as being a grief disorder. In Islamic communities, the recognised mourning period is up to four months following the funeral. But in Jewish families, the mourning time following the death of a parent lasts for up to a year.

I connect quite well with Adrienne Kirk’s model of grief. She suggests that grief doesn’t shrink over time, more that we grow around it. It doesn’t reduce in size, but we find ways of living with and accommodating the grief. The Co-op diagram below is a good representation.

Loss

My mum died earlier this month. It was the end of a long illness, but still feels too soon to have lost her. People have checked in, sent cards, met for coffee, offered an ear. Nobody understands what I’m feeling, but people around me want to help. To support as they feel fits the need. And for that, I am grateful.

Funeral arrangements have taken time, and the service itself is next week. The celebrant advised my sisters and I to try to arrange things for after the funeral. It’s the time when grief can sit extra heavily. Others appear to move on in their lives, and in December, many will be preparing for Christmas. For we three though, who have joined the group of people who have lost parents, it will be a different Christmas. As every Christmas will be from now on. And each of us will work our way through individually, while also supporting one and other.