Instruction Manuals

Posted on by

Lying awake in the early hours recently, I wondered where my collection of instruction manuals was. Titles include ‘How to … be a good mother, run a business, become a better photographer, maintain motivation, keep your energy levels up’. Or rather, these are the titles which would be in my collection of instruction manuals, if such a collection existed. There are general guides of various sorts for each of these topics, which can be helpful. However, instruction manuals are usually tailored to a specific model. So, no instruction manuals. Which means that trying to manage these areas falls to me. It can be overwhelming.

I yearn for time to be creative. Creativity doesn’t work to a schedule; I can’t simply allocate a block of time in which to create. Creating is an organic process whereby ideas might evolve over the course of a few days. I’ve written before about ideas generation, and the importance of taking time to switch off mentally, while allowing your mind to roam. With a business to run, a house to manage, and – most importantly – a family to look after, switching off is a thing of the past. Add the chaos of bipolar disorder, and the pressure can feel relentless.

Shipwreck, instruction manuals, Emma Lord Photography
Exploring a shipwreck away from people, with just my camera.
Peaceful, and somewhere to let the mind roam. (Picture: R. Munn)

Time for quiet is a distant memory. No quiet time means no time for my mind to refresh. I read that ‘baby brain’ continues long after childbirth. Possibly for two years or more. A woman’s brain changes to support her in her role as a mother, but to the detriment of other functions. Memory is one of the functions which appears to suffer as a result of the changes. Herein lies one of the barriers to creativity, as it’s not always possible to preserve every idea before it escapes the mind. I find these days that if something isn’t written down (at least once), it might as well not exist.

The instruction manuals I hope to find are simply not available. We all have individual needs as we navigate from one day to the next. My own situation is on one hand, not unique. Others are trying to work their way through similar positions, many with even more factors to consider. On the other hand, my situation is unique. There is only one of me, and I alone take responsibility for myself and how I choose to live. Baby brain, exhaustion, bipolar … these are all just pieces of who I am. Perhaps it’s time to move on from existing day to day, and rediscover the art of living.
Beach, instruction manuals, Emma Lord Photography
Fresh air, camera, and acres of space to ourselves.
There does appear to be a nautical theme to the places
in which I feel both most peaceful, and most inspired.

A quote I return to quite regularly, appears in various forms and with a variety of author attributions. It says simply: ‘Hell on Earth would be to meet the person you could have been.’

Perhaps not quite hell, but the thought of bumping into the version of me which has reached some of my achievable but currently unrealised dreams is at once sobering, and also motivating. So although it is very early in the morning as I write, and I know I will be tired tomorrow, I’m setting myself the small task of doing one thing towards becoming the person I would like to meet. If that one thing works, I ought perhaps to keep a note of it. Baby brain might hamper my memory, but here is an opportunity for me to write my own instruction manual.