On Motherhood

Motherhood. Not a term which I expected to use in respect of my own situation. One career over, another begun, our home full of the youthful energy of rescue cats and dogs. But life has a way of surprising you, and sometimes the surprise can be wonderful.

People told me that being a mother would be an adjustment. However, I didn’t realise how much of an adjustment would be needed to accommodate this incredible small person. I made plans based on assumptions, which needed amending during the days after returning home from hospital. Some adjustments were a matter of choice, such as breastfeeding our son. Expressing and bottle feeding so that we could share the role of food provider didn’t work for us though. This meant that my plans to return to Trustee duties, and out of hours photography work were delayed. Plans to take 3-4 months off evolved to become 6-7 months. I felt guilty about neglecting my Trustee roles, but both charities were very accommodating of my decision (and perhaps not surprised).

It’s true that the first days and weeks home from hospital can revolve around visitors. However, we chose to close our door for a few days, to give us some family time. My husband received statutory paternity leave and it was nice to have this period together. We got to know our son, and he familiarised himself with his new home. When my husband returned to work, life changed again.

Having been used to working at home, at the studio, or on location, I was suddenly at home much of the time. Unlike photography, motherhood is a full time role. It’s a wonderful role. It’s tiring, and I miss having my own headspace and creative time to think. When people ask how I see the business evolving, and what I might focus on, I really can’t answer. I simply don’t have the time or energy to think in that way at the moment. But I treasure every moment I have with our son. He’s full of life, full of fun, and his smile lights any space.

I don’t want the business to stagnate. Nor do I want to be defined solely as a wife and mother. Both roles can leave a feeling of loss of individual identity. Especially in these times when women are encouraged to pursue opportunities for education, careers, and independence. Motherhood is a huge change for anybody and I know how fortunate we are to have a laid back baby, who takes most things in his stride. I also realise how lucky I am to have fallen completely in love with our son the moment he was passed to me in hospital.

Motherhood is a difficult role. Society as a whole doesn’t tend to recognise this. People don’t see the long days spent thinking of news ways to engage your child. They don’t see the times spent comforting the baby at night, offering on demand feeds, and soothing words. They don’t understand what you have left behind so that you might embrace this new role.

Becoming a mother is like resigning from one career, and commencing another. The difference is that there is no HR department, no annual review or performance related bonus, no office birthday celebrations, no adult conversation. Some of the most supportive people I’ve met are older women. No words are needed, they just ‘get’ it. In their own way, they’ve been where I now find myself.

An earlier post discussed some of the decisions I’ve made since May. More recently, I’ve taken time to rediscover Twitter and Instagram, and to set up an Etsy store. I’ve found an active, and very supportive, blogging community online. A particular mention here to Jo, at Cup of Toast, for her ongoing support (do check her blog out for family and lifestyle posts!)

Words of wisdom for new mums who are also business owners? Individual circumstances vary, so do what works for you. You’ll receive advice, but advice does not equate to rules. We’ve adapted the general advice to suit our son’s needs, and if his needs are met, our family life also benefits. Not all babies nap for hours during the day, so don’t bank on having this time for any business management. Know where you find your support, be it at parenting groups, with friends or family, through online communities. Know where you find your own peace, in nature, a coffee house, music, books, photography. Try to find time for some of these things, and find time to rest when you can. Don’t be ashamed to relax, or to ask for help.

Be proud of yourself, not as a wife, a partner, a mother, a house manager, a hibernating business owner, but as you. Wonderful, brilliant, you. Be the best you can, even if some days you feel far from your best. Imagine writing your latest CV, and including all the skills you now use not just every day, but every single hour of every single day. That’s you!

It really won’t always be easy, and your emotions will rule for much of the time. But remember that your full time role is incredible. You’ve got this. The words which follow combine the me before and the me after motherhood into a single transition. The reality is of course more complex and doesn’t happen overnight, but that would have led to a very long and probably unpublished book!